[ I find myself writing to people who don’t exist anymore or people who are no longer in my life. I personally have been fighting this letter for several years. Mostly I resisted for lack of support. People were tired of hearing about my tragedy, of my beloved wife. All I wanted was for someone to let me rant and rave about it at length and often. Times are hard these days and I find myself missing her and the days of old. I guess I’m trying to say is love all your people for what they are worth, they may not be there forever. I have learned this lesson and continue to pay for it daily.}
Shelly,
It’s been years since we were born. It’s been years since I have seen you last. I find myself wondering where you are or how you have been. I wonder how the world looks from your balcony. Does the sun shine as bright? Does the night sky hold wonder and dreams for you?
I wonder if you think of me. I know we think of you, our son and me. I remember being all we had. I remember the nights sitting up talking till the sun rose. I remember walking all over town with you under the night sky, hand in hand. I remember twenty dollars in spare change feeding us. I remember being together in my parents’ house. I remember living with you in my apartment.
I remember staring up in the Iraqi night sky wishing I was home with you. I remember telling all my fellow soldiers about you. I remember spending all my free time at the computer center to talk to you. I remember dreaming of returning to you. I remember the relief I felt marching into your arms after arriving home.
Mostly I remember loving you. Yeah my life has changed but I still miss talking to you. I remember the time you came to my work in the middle of the night just to talk to me. I remember visiting you at your work after leaving my work to spend your break with you. God I wish I could remember what you look like. The pictures in my mind have faded away to the ghost of memory.
I tell friends, lovers and our son about you. Nothing bad, just memories. I think I smile while I tell them. Now days I walk home alone with you.
I have been waiting for years to tell you that I love you and that I miss you but I don’t know where you are or how to reach you. I suppose this letter on my site is the equivalent of putting a message in a bottle. Feeling hope and doubt at the same time, standing on the shore watching the message drift off with the tide. Wondering, “will she read it?”; “will the bottle find her?” Hoping that the bottle will find her well, Dreaming of the tides guiding the bottle in the silvery moonlight to a distant shore. I wonder if someone else finds it will they keep it or read it and return it to the sea?
Well Michelle here is my message on my bottle; I love you! I miss you! Wherever you are, whatever you are doing I hope you find this and it finds you well. I wish it could be different but it won’t be different. It’s so hard here without you. I miss you…
I have visions of myself sitting in the loaders hatch of my tank under a night desert sky, with a bright silver moon hanging low. Staring at the distance I place this note in a bottle and pitch it over board as the tank starts to roll off towards the horizon.
-B
