(This is a true story)
(This is one of two stories told by me at Sully's high class wedding. Actually I tell this story often but the wedding was the first time I ever Publically told it. People were on the edge of their seats waiting to hear what happened next. I battled with myself for a few years with whether or not I should publish this story and actually almost wrote it out while in Egypt. So here it is and I hope you like it and please tell your friends...)
For Sarah and her cat Zepplin, who passed on 9/11/2013...
So despite being the "awful" husband my X-wife would say I was,she would bring me baked goods. When we were married she used to bake for me all the time. I gained a lot of weight and there was plenty of me to love while I was married to her.
Well the incident in question happened fully after the transformation of my beautifull wife. Her hair was still short, she wore a lot of flannel and around her neck she wore the symbol of her new religion.
I myself stop short of naming her religion although I'm sure you all are smart enough to figure it out. The funniest part of the whole thing is that she didn't realize that she wore it so people knew what she was aligned with. She called once to tell me about her new spirituality and was taken aback by the fact that I already knew. I mean its not like I never saw her, My X-wife was always calling and always showing up at my work! to be honest, how could I NOT know? Anyways this religion is/was notorious for love spells and (this is cool) human sacrifice...spoiler dood...as well as other stuff. I myself never paid it much mind till one day.
It never hit me, the problems I could be having with my X and her new religion. Hell most people laughed it off. My mom would joke about her casting spells on me and finally turning me into a toad or whatnot. I personally thought a Voodoo type experience would be cool but it wasn't the right religion.
Well the reason for worry finally hit me like a Mack truck when one day out of the blue she showed up at my work with baked goods in hand. As she handed me the Bread she looked at me with an odd look and then it hit me. I'm her X the she declared to be the "Darth Vader" of husbands and here she is giving me HOMEMADE baked goods, Yeah, I thought, this isn't going to go well.
So I took the bread, thanked her and started to walk off. She stopped me and asked why I wasn't eating it. I told her that I just ate but I was gonna get a coke and eat it in a few. That seemed to satisfy her and she left the shop. After watching her leave and waiting long enough to be sure she wasn't coming back I took the tinfoil wrapped bread and chucked it in the dumpster out back, feeling alive as if I just dodged a bullet.
Over the next few months that's how it went. She would bring goodies(yeah right!) and I would wait till she left to throw it in the dumpster. It was a pretty neat routine actually, very comical, like we had rehearsed.
Well one day she showed up and as I recall she had brought Zuchinni Bread. While we were married it was a weakness of mine. I would make her bake a loaf just for me and then I would devour it like a velociraptor, the carnage! I took it and made my usual excuse and before she release the loaf she said this...
" If you ask me this is the best loaf I have ever made...its DAMN good!"
and walked off with my son to go to her house. I waited till she was gone and the proceeded to the dumpster carrying the tinfoil package in front of me like it was an I.E.D when my boss Bill stopped me.
" Where are you going with that?"
He was standing near the back door with a cup of coffee in his hand.
" To throw this out."
As I answered I gave him the "Where have you been, oh and are you stupid" look.
"Why?"
"I never eat anything she brings."
" Why not?"
" Dood, she into -Deleted-! I wouldn't eat it!"
" Lemmie have it."
" What?! are you stupid?!"
"Just give it here!"
" Don't eat it!"
"I'm not gonna eat it!"
Finally he told me what he was gonna do with it. A really mean dog lived across the alley from the back door of the shop. I have been told it bit Bill once but he would feed it scraps anyway. The dog was not only a mean one but notorious for being able to get over the fence.
I conceded, gave bill one last warning and let him have the package. He took his coffee and with the loaf of bread under his arm walked out the back door and closed it after himself. The rest of the day went without incident.
That day was my "Friday" and I went home for one of my days off. When I came back to work Bill asked me if I had heard the news to which I replied no.
Bill said that he went outside with the bread and fed it to the dog and everything was fine. Then the next morning the little old people that owned it came and knocked on the back door. That's not too unusual for them to do as when the dog got out they would ask if we had seen it.
Only this time they didn't ask where the dog was, they asked if we knew who had killed it...
Seems that late the very night that the dog ate the bread someone had climbed the fence and shot the dog, killing it unnoticed and unheard by anyone...
After that I was even more firmly resolved to never eat anything my X-wife ever made for me...
-B
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