The French connection.

[This is a true story]


So a few years back when my wife left me she used to call me and bitch me out all the time. I wish I could say I deserved it, maybe I did. I hear that its normal for X's to do that. she'd call and yell at me for the sun going down, she'd bitch me out for the moon rising and for her leaving me, I mean literally whatever. Hell I think I got it once because her friends were being mean and once twice for her having a bad day at work. Once I got a call from her on christmas eve cause she wanted to kill herself and then she got mad cause I tried to talk to her, to motivate her and then I got it from my X-fiancee, damn I cant win.


Well this particular story is about a phone call I had recieved once from my X-wife.

My mother has a real problem with Impulse shopping and an even bigger problem with her Odd sense of humor. Well one time at Wally World my mom bought a new phone for the house. It's cordless, has Caller I.D. and it talks. It'll give a really bad version of the name of the incoming caller. Interestingly enough with the flick of a switch it'll try to pronounce your name in a foreign language.


Well my mother one day woke up and decided that the phone needed to speak French. So "Blam" with a flick of the switch my family moved up in class as people whom met the answering machine were greeted in a fancy european accent, known for eating snails, white flags and uber horny skunks, Thats class!!!


Apparently my X-wife had called to speak to my son or maybe even my mom and had been greeted with French. I dont know what she was thinking but she called me to find out just exactly what was going on.


Her:" Have you called your parents phone"
ok, Already this is an interesting question, why would you call yourself at home?
Me:"No."
Her" Well the machine answered in french"
Like she never knew my mom, mom's always doing weird stuff.
Me:"ok."
she hated the fact that I answered in monosylables.
Her:"why is the Phone in french?"
what kinda question is that? like we joined the french resistance? or like we are a French sleeper cell hellbent on bad accents and berets for all? weirdo!
Me: "How the F#@k would I know"
Her:"Did they move"
Like they moved to france? its the American dream.That and we obviously got to keep our phone number.
Me:"no"
Her:' then why is their phone speaking French?"
Me:" I dunno, It's their phone if they want it to speak French then it will speak French."
Her:" oh, I thought they had moved, hahahahaha!"
Me:" Well mom does weird things from time to time."
Her:"ok, well I'll talk to you later."
what was that? some kinda threat?
Me:"Ok."


It just goes to show that in some neighborhoods crack is cheaper than others. The funny part was that mom later walked up to me giggling about the fact that she decided that the phone was French and that she had heard the message that the X-wife had left. Apparently she was unsure as if it was the right number.Mom said she had done it to see what would happen if the phone spoke french.


Of all the phone calls I recieved during the course of my divorce that one was the most memerable, possibly the most pleasant. It was a real trying time for me and despite all that I could see the "off the wall" of it. The calls have died away to nothing or to pass the phone to my son. Whatever Contact there is, is too brief and formal to be interesting anymore. Time has moved on to hidden resentment and formal politeness.


These days I have stepped in line to walk amungst the dead and I spend my days looking for the interesting surreal that adds color and spice to the day.


Mother on the other hand will entertain herself if you don't entertain her.


-B